Just like everything else in life, marital crisis don’t just happen. Nobody wakes up to find himself or herself divorced. Whether the parties involved paid attention or not, the signs and symptoms that eventually culminate into total breakdown in a relationship were there all along.
Now, I know that as humans, we find it very convenient to blame others for the uncomely events in our lives. However, in my few years on earth, I have discovered that the truth you speak to yourself is powerful and liberating. So, if you are in the middle of marital crisis or are already separated or divorced, one of the most empowering steps you can take is to ask yourself ‘how did I get here’? This has got nothing to do with unnecessary fault finding. Rather, it has a lot to do with uncovering attitudes, mindset, words and maybe actions that aided your present marital state. It has to do with owning up to your faults albeit to yourself and making a firm commitment to make necessary amends. This is necessary if you truly want to make progress.
Looking back, I saw that lack of self awareness was a major reason for some of the issues I had in marriage. I was clueless about who I was. The problem with not knowing who you are is that you might end up suffering from low self esteem and looking for validation in all the wrong sources.
Aside from not knowing myself, I was also rather naive and trusted people too easily. This of course back fired as I had to learn through some painful events that we can’t take people on face value. When it comes to who to open your bosom and home to, discernment and discretion are highly required.
Why take the pain to deal with my weaknesses and faults? Because I don’t want to end up where I found myself years ago. I don’t want to keep stumbling on the same spot or live life going round in circles. Neither do I want to keep empowering my weaknesses such that they keep me from truly moving forward or being happy in life. Life is too beautiful to be lived that way. By taking this cursory look at myself, I have learnt how to and how not to deal with people. I have embarked on the journey of self discovery. I have learnt to celebrate and validate myself. I am not perfect yet but I am making progress.
You and I may not have control over other people and their actions. They may or may not accept your counsel. But I know I have control over myself. Whatever truth I speak to myself is never wasted.
Starting from today, ask yourself how you got to where you are? Could it be your background? Unrealistic expectations? Inability to tell your spouse the truth due to fear of rejection? Low self esteem and insecurity due to lack of approval while you were growing up? Don’t be afraid to confront your discoveries. You are not appearing before any judge. So be free to speak the truth to yourself because this truth will liberate you. Make a definite commitment to get past whatever errors you uncover. This doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Rather it validates the fact that you are human, desirous of a truly happy life and are ready to pull out every weed that might be on your way to making it happen.
…helping you find the gains in your pain!