At the one and only family meeting held with me in attendance after my husband had told my family members that he wanted a divorce, he was asked for the reasons behind his actions. He said a lot. Then he began to say some things which I will talk about in some other posts . I couldn’t believe this was the same man I was married to for nine years.
For weeks and probably months after my husband said those words, I was in deep pain. In fact, for two days after the meeting, I couldn’t sleep. I was too distraught. No, I didn’t see it coming, and so began my journey into the abyss of pain. Deep hurts, so real the pain is almost physical.
Hey reader, hurts are real! Trying to sweep them under the carpet like nothing happened to you only empowers the hurts to fester and grow deep roots on the soil of your soul. I kept carrying the pain until I went for a retreat put together by a mentor of mine. I went for the meeting with a lot of burden because one of my brothers was also critically ill. In the course of the meeting, those who had one prayer point or the other were told to say it so others could pray along . Really, all I wanted God to do for me was heal my brother and spare his life. As far as I was concerned at that point, everything else could come after. I wasn’t ready to bury anyone. And so I was ready to bombard God with my request. However when I opened my mouth to pray, it was a different game entirely. At that moment, the Holy Spirit came and ‘coached’ me on how to pray and what to say. He told me to tell God that ‘Lord, You heard what Dan (not real name) said and You know it hurts me. You heard how he dragged my family in the mud. And because of this, Lord, You have to resolve the issue in question.’ I started saying this. I tried to move on to other prayer points but I couldn’t. All I could say repeatedly was what the Holy Spirit told me to. By the time the prayer session was over, for the first time, I knew deeply within me that my case was settled.
Some weeks or so after the retreat, I found myself remembering those painful words again and weeping-even when I didn’t want to. I kept telling the Holy Spirit that I didn’t want to cry on account of what my Dan said. What I didn’t realise was that God was deliberately excavating the issue from where I had buried it. And the tears were to cleanse my emotions, soul and memory so as to rid me of the venom of those words. I couldn’t make any meaning out of the whole episode because my understanding was so limited.
Months after the whole weeping episode, I was in my kitchen when the scene of that meeting played in my mind again after a very long time. Something had however changed! I found myself laughing at my husband’s folly for saying the things he said. Even though I knew he said those words to hurt me, yet I just found myself amused at it all. The anger and pain had all disappeared, replaced by ease and joy. This happened on several occasions. At last I realised that the Holy Spirit was calling my attention to the fact that He had healed me-even without my knowing. Ah! I was so overjoyed. So happy! I felt literarily lighter. Before this time, there was no part of me that wanted to set my eyes on my husband. But after this healing and cleansing all the hardness of heart I had towards my husband fizzled out.
There are times when my emotions want to act up or the hardness wants to resurface, but I keep declaring loudly that my husband is forgiven by me and remains so whether he ever comes to apologise to me or seek for my forgiveness. Unforgiveness is not a burden I want to bear. My shoulders, emotions and heart are too delicate for such.
I learnt a lot of lessons from this experience and will share them in the concluding part of this post, so stay connected.
I really want to hear from you readers, so feel free to comment.In what ways have you experienced healing? Do share with other readers.
…hurts are real, healing is possible & wholeness is achievable!